Sometimes, what we recognize as “true love,” that “swept off our feet feeling,” isn’t love. It’s two souls recognizing each other’s trauma and desperately trying to trigger its healing over and over again until it happens or the relationship implodes.
Or at least that’s what my therapist tells me (<- the punchline of my life).
So, in the search for “true true love,” I thought I’d start with what I know of pure, honest, without-a-doubt love.
I remember when my son was born, and I didn’t feel an immediate connection with him. My therapist at the time stressed the normalcy of that feeling.
Trauma survivors, especially, struggle to feel “true true love” until they develop trust and safety in a situation. I had to learn to trust that my child wasn’t going to die suddenly or be taken from me unexpectedly. Over time, I slowly felt safe enough to love him.
So, it makes sense in relationships with adults that I would also need to develop that sense of trust.
But, here’s where my trauma can actually serve me well: if I feel an instant, “holy crap,” “head-over-heels,” in-love feeling with someone, that’s (most likely) coming from a place of trauma recognition and needing to heal. When that happens, I need to tread lightly and watch for red flags.
But, if I like someone and recognize all the things logically that they offer me to help in my healing (kindness, non-violence, sense of humor, consistency, stability), and if I take the time to get to know that person who I simply like at first just because they’re great, then over time, with trust and safety, I let myself feel “true true love.”
Just like the instantaneous head-over-heels feeling, this also feels exciting, and joyful, and gives me butterflies. It just takes time, trust, and safety.
In my book, What Killed Pearl, I'm forced to take a hard look at my relationship with Nick and understand why I struggle so much to let him go.
